


Thou Didst Never Fear

by all_of_the_trash



Category: Saw (Movies)
Genre: (both of those are canon fight me), (no it didn't you all knew what to expect from me), Alternate Universe - Victorian, Closeted Trans Character, M/M, Rating May Change, Trans!Adam, at what point do we just call adam a canon trans character and be done with it, badass!Amanda, cause i wanna do that now, chainshipping au where everybody lives, i am your god now, is there a tag limit on this thing?, marriage at first sight au kinda, or could i like, or it may not, put an entire novel in the tags, shhhhhhhh don't tell my mommy i said that, square up Leigh Whannell you bastard, this could be a steampunk au if you squint, welp that ruined the surprise of which character is trans, whooP, would we even have to notify leigh if we did that, you know what - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-03
Updated: 2018-07-12
Packaged: 2019-05-17 13:09:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,525
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14832875
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/all_of_the_trash/pseuds/all_of_the_trash
Summary: "How shall you live?""As birds do""Poor bird, thou didst never fear the net nor the lime, the pitfall nor the gin."Lawrence needs a purpose to his life before he starts it over. And if that purpose is saving a life without touching his operating table, that just might be the best life he ever saved.





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> welcome to the hell au that I wrote down the second I came up with it at 1:15 in the morning when I was supposed to be asleep and then thought "wow this would be good for chainshipping" and then immediately started writing it.
> 
> I have awful writers block so please please PLEASE comment if you read, anything you want to see, anything you'd like me to improve, please just help me keep going so that I can keep writing about these awful nerds.

Dr. Gordon wrapped his overcoat tightly around himself, eyes downcast as he approached a new world so well hidden within the familiar.

He could feel the Dove’s eyes on him. She was hypnotic just to watch or listen to, and her eyes- god, those eyes, were like the broken edge of a bottle. Warm, inviting brown that could cut a man like glass.

“Why, good evening doctor,” she barely whispered, with a voice that could have even seduced Lawrence were he not on a mission. “Anything I can… help you with?” These last few words were drawn out and paired with a deadly combination of batted eyelashes and a swiveling leg which showed far too much of her boots to be proper. He had to admit, she was quite good at her job.

“You are the Dove, correct?”

Again with the batting eyelashes. “I’d say I’m pleased to make your acquaintance, but I know nothing of you to make one of.”

Lawrence offered his hand, which she took a little too delicately. “My name is Lawrence Gordon. I am a doctor, and I come to ask you a simple question.”

“And it is?”

“Who is the other escort who frequents this corner? I assume that she is close to you, for I see you speaking often. Yet I have not seen her in days; do you know her whereabouts?”

The flirtatious facade dropped from the Dove’s face before she leaned in closely. “Come up to the room with me. It will look suspicious if we merely stand here and talk. I can tell you anything you need to know about the Hummingbird.”

“I’m afraid I haven’t much to offer you,” said the Dove once they were in the small apartment off the street. “This place belongs to my master, so I only use it for work.”

Lawrence waved a hand as if to brush off the comment. “You needn’t offer me anything but information. What can you tell me about the Hummingbird?”

The Dove faced him inquisitively. “Only if you give me information in return. Why does the Hummingbird interest you? Why do you approach me now, after all this time you’ve walked by without a glance?”

“I have glanced as I walked by,” Lawrence said in a voice he didn’t entirely recognize. “I see you standing like Babylon, a queen amongst the rats of the street. Yet the one I notice is the Hummingbird, too small and too shy and often with bruises and scars. I must leave town immediately, and I intend to ask her to come with me.”

The Dove’s expression was nearly unreadable. “Flattery is appreciated but unnecessary. I would have led you to Hummingbird regardless.”

“Will you?” Lawrence felt his chest lift, like a candle had been lit inside it.

“Only after one more question. It’s only fair; you asked who my companion was, I asked why you wished to know. You ask where she is, I get to ask one more thing in return.”

“Anything.”

“Why must you leave town?”

Lawrence realized at this point that he really should have been prepared for this. The Dove really did not live up well to her name, once you looked past the waifish exterior. Sure, she was beautiful in a plain yet scandalous kind of way, with her shiny lips and dark eyes, her blonde-streaked ringlets and too-pink-to-be-natural cheekbones- the Dove was the very image of the calculated facade of innocence. But there was a fire that burned within her, and Lawrence had to be careful not to be singed. This was no dove, this was a falcon.

“I am a surgeon. I do my best to save lives, but it is not always possible. A very powerful man brought me his wife, who was with child, but-”

“But?” the Dove seemed genuinely interested at this point.

“It was too late. A miscarriage. There was nothing I could do for the child other than clean him for burial. The mother survived but I don’t know what became of her.”

“And you’re afraid that the man will come for you?”

Lawrence nodded, then sighed as he hung his head. “This town will crush all that is fragile and beautiful. I understood that much when I looked at that boy, dead before he could even breathe. I can leave and merely save myself, or I can take another with me and possibly save her.”

The Dove took one step closer to the doctor. He could almost feel her against him, part of his space- intimacy without sexuality. A purely human connection relying solely on understanding. “Do you think that by saving the Hummingbird, you can atone for losing the boy? Bring some sort of cosmic order?”

Lawrence blinked. Were he any shorter, or she any taller, he could have rested his face in her hair. “I don’t believe in a cosmic order,” he murmured. “I believe in giving everyone an equal chance at survival. You, lady Dove, were forged from iron. These streets need fear you more than you need fear them. But your companion-”

He could feel her hands briefly tighten around his back. “I know.” She took a step back so she could look Lawrence in the eyes. “from here, find the river and follow it north until you find an abandoned plague house. Knock on the door of the root cellar and say that Amanda sent you. You will find the Hummingbird.”

“Amanda?”

The Dove shrugged with a sad smile. “You didn’t come here to buy me, so you get the real me.”

Lawrence blinked, impressed and confused. “What about the Hummingbird? You know my intention is not to buy her.”

“I do,” she said simply, “but among escorts, anonymity is a necessity. A true identity is a precious gift that only the individual can decide to give.”

Now the doctor, dumbfounded, offered her his hand. “Thank you. Amanda.”

She took it with an iron grip. “You’re quite welcome, Lawrence. If you so much as think of hurting my friend, the next thing you’ll thank me for is an end to your suffering.”

Lawrence gulped. He quite liked this girl.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this one's so short, I meant each chapter to be 1000 words or more but this just felt like a natural stopping point :-*  
> feel free to either comment (anon comments are okay!) or message me on tumblr @nobutseriouslywhat

The doctor paused before the root cellar. Everything about this was utterly ridiculous, and he supposed he had to just go along with it that way. After a moment’s hesitation, he knocked on the crumbling wood.

“Whaddya want?” Dear god, that voice was like a drowned rat had learned to speak English only to scorn those who let it drown.

“I’m looking for the Hummingbird?”

“Go away. I’m not selling it anymore.”

Lawrence mentally cursed himself. “That’s not what I- I’m here because Amanda sent me.”

There was the sound of a padlock and chain being unlocked and moved before the doors suddenly pushed open. “Well?” a disembodied voice came from the inside. “Don’t hit your head coming down.”

Dr. Gordon did, in fact, hit his head coming down. He assumed from the height of the staircase leading down that for anyone to live down here comfortably, they would have to be about the Dove’s- Amanda’s- size. Not much larger. While he was musing on this, Lawrence heard the ugliest laugh that he’d ever heard in his life and was immediately entranced with the sound. This was not the polite chuckle of a lady at tea, nor the sweet flirtatious giggle of a girl experiencing courtship- this was the tuneless laugh of someone who neither remembered the last time they indulged in a laugh nor cared who heard them. The sound was hideously intoxicating and Lawrence needed more of it.

“You are the Hummingbird?” Lawrence questioned as he reached the bottom of the stairs.

A scoff. “I was.”

“Then please, what may I call you?”

A scrawny figure stepped diffidently into the soft candlelight. “Anna,” she murmured.

“Anna,” Lawrence repeated in wonder. Even in the soft light, she was stunning- short, scruffy brown hair, kohl-rimmed grey eyes flickering like granite, full, dark, soft-looking lips, wiry, muscular frame he could see through the large canvas shirt, full, sloping hips hidden under a long skirt…

“Yes, we’ve established that’s what you’re calling me. Whaddya want?”

She had curled into somewhat of a ball around herself, arms folded so tightly her shoulders hunched as her back began to turn, those beautiful grey doe eyes shifting wildly. Lawrence resolved to fortify himself and finally do what he’d intended.

“Anna, please, I only come with one question for you.” He watched cautiously as her body slowly unfolded, bowing to one knee and pulling at the stem hidden within his coat for this moment- “Will you be my wife?”

Just a second of that hideous laugh again and Lawrence realized the cause- in his nervousness, he had presented her with the daffodil upside-down. This was mortifying. Were it not for that laugh and- oh  _ god _ that smile that were it not deftly hidden behind her hand it could have blinded him- he could have melted into the floor and never been seen again. In a second he could get up from his knees and leave when-

The hand that had been covering Anna’s mouth came down and closed around the daffodil as the girl leaned forward to meet Lawrence’s eyes. With one hand tangled with his around the flower stem, and the other resting gently on his jaw, she answered sweetly, “sure, I’ll marry you. What do I have to lose?”

Lawrence scoffed softly. “Dignity?” he offered.

“Long gone.”

“ _ That’s the spirit. _ ” thought the doctor as he let the moment, along with an unfamiliar pair of lips at the corner of his mouth, catch up with him.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :))))))))) end my suffering  
> yes I'm aware that I once again missed 1000 words but I'm closer this time okay

Lawrence supposed, looking around, that they passed very well for an eloping couple. Himself in a grey wool suit, Anna in a simple red dress that she had picked out once they reached the new town and Lawrence’s leather overcoat to protect her from the brisk early fall winds. With her small stature and constant fidgeting, combined of course with how well she looked in bright colors, Lawrence was struck with how much she truly did resemble a hummingbird.

“Are you sure you want to go through with this?” It was the first time Anna had spoken in what seemed like ages.

The doctor laid his hand atop hers, which rested in the crook of his arm. “Are you?”

The little bird sighed. “Anything’s better than going back.”

“Then forward we go?”

He was rewarded with a smile. “Forward we go.”

 

* * *

“Do you, Lawrence Gordon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife, to have and to hold, as long as you both shall live?”

He blinked away a tear. It sure wasn’t what he’d ever expected, but that was perfectly fine. “I do.”

“And do you, Anna Faulkner, take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold, as long as you both shall live?”

Lawrence felt those soft, muscular hands tighten around his briefly. “I do.”

“Then by the power vested in me by the church, I now pronounce you married in the eyes of God.”

When they were safely loaded into a carriage on the way to their new home, Lawrence pulled a ring out of his pocket. “I know our marriage isn’t legal, but I want you to have this. As a symbol of the promise I’ve made.” Gently, he slipped the ring onto his bride’s left hand. It didn’t register to him that it somehow fit perfectly.

Anna sat dumbstruck, tracing the lines of the ring. “It’s… beautiful,” she finally choked out. “Where ever did you find this?”

Lawrence smiled, feeling a great swell in his chest at seeing her let her guard down momentarily. “It was a gift from a noblewoman, a very long time ago.”

The girl softly nudged his ribs with her elbow, in a way that almost seemed more affectionate, more intimate, than the brief kiss she had given him in response to his proposal. “Was she your lover?”

There was a moment's silence, as if each of them had taken the question seriously, before they both began laughing heartily. Anna’s laugh was both hideous and intoxicating and Lawrence was in love with it. Was in love with her, a little bit. And she was his wife and this was their-

_ Oh dear god. _

_ Their wedding night. _

Was she going to have… expectations of him? Would she expect him to be… experienced? And to behave accordingly?

No. No no no no no no no. No. Only by the saving grace of medical textbooks did he even know what lay under that dress. Theoretically. What if she was nothing like the illustration? What if she was more like Madam Tuck, who had come in already wrecked and bleeding, her and her son dying by the second-

“Are you alright?” Anna’s voice broke him out of the trance he was apparently in.

He patted her hand. “No. Shall we continue?”

“Hey.” She laced her fingers with his and squeezed. “I mean it. If this isn’t what you wanted, if you’re not sure, you can back out. I’ll find my way.”

Lawrence turned to look at her- those grey doe eyes really were his weakness already- “no, sweetheart,”  _ okay where in blazes did that pet name come from _ , “I want to do this with you. Together. I don’t know what we’re doing, but as long as it’s us- not just me, not just you- us, we’ll make it.”

He was unsure of what happened first. Only that every part of it was so slow he could feel every one of his cells being lit aflame. His left hand resting cautiously, protectively over her knee; his right stroking at her chin as he inched his lips ever closer to hers; her arms draping over his shoulders to pull him closer; their noses sliding against each other, sharing tiny breaths before they could close that infinitesimal space and feel the warmth and solace of the other’s mouth; so close Lawrence could nearly feel her gentle touch on his lips-

The carriage had come to a stop while the both of them had more important things to focus on, so the sudden sound of an opening door along with the shock of the autumn breeze was enough to startle them apart.

“Your destination?” offered the driver.

Lawrence paled, mortified. That had been terribly improper of him, to indulge in such a passionate gesture outside of the safety of home. And where had it come from? Those words, that bravado, that almost-kiss from which his lips were still tingling with desire- none of that was born of his rational mind. And still Anna stared him down with a smirk, like she was daring him to go on. She was going to be the death of him, some way or another.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> how many times are they going to almost kiss before they actually do kiss? The answer may surprise you.

“This is our home now.”

“It sure is.”

An awkward silence fell for a few seconds.

“Well?” Anna finally broke. “Are we going inside?”

Once again, a spark of something unrecognizable passed through Lawrence. “Certainly,” he said a little too dramatically as he picked up his bride in both arms and carried her across the threshold.

That awful laugh really did get more intoxicating every time. “What was that?!”

“Tradition. So I’ve heard.”

Anna leaned into Lawrence’s chest, looping her arms around his neck and regaining her breath. “I’m aware of the tradition, you dunce. What I meant is how did you pick me up so easily?”

“Would you believe,” the doctor began shyly, “that as an apprentice, I had to pick up and move a lot of cadavers? Admittedly, carrying a live person is quite a bit more enjoyable.”

“I’d suspect that you’re joking, but I’m not sure you know how to.”

“Oh really?” scoffed Lawrence. “By rights, I should drop you for saying that.”

Anna’s eyes lit up. “You wouldn’t dare.”

The tall man raised an eyebrow. “Wouldn’t I?”

Observing the beginnings of fear creep into her expression, Lawrence instead tightened his grip. One arm supporting her shoulders, the other tucked under her knees, she was almost close enough…

He watched the jocular light in her eyes fade into the warm glow of affection as her hands slid from his shoulders into the hair at the nape of his neck; cautiously he leaned forward to press his forehead to hers, closing his eyes once he felt the gentle contact. It was so easy now, just to rock his lips forward to seek out her touch; instinctively he adjusted his arms to hold her closer-

Which turned out to be a terrible idea. He realized this after sensing three things: a sudden weight lifted from his arms, a thud directly at his feet, and a loud, distinctly unladylike cry of “ow, motherfucker!” Lawrence would have been amused had his mortal soul not been ripped from his body in that exact moment.

“You,” said Anna through laughs, laying on the floor while Lawrence stood frozen in mortification, “really are the most tremendous prick I’ve met in my life.”

“Am I really?” He asked in shock, panic setting into his every nerve.

“Lawrence. I’m a whore. That’s somewhat of a compliment among my people.”

The doctor finally managed to extend a hand to help her up, still slightly in shock. “You complimented me?”

“Of course I did,” she said with an edge of sarcasm, but refusing to meet his eyes and something like a blush creeping up her neck. “You’re my husband, you ass. What else am I to do?”

Lawrence looked her over, the feeling of dread returning from earlier to settle in his gut. “You may be in medical distress,” he said a bit too quickly, feeling her intensely curious gaze on every part of him. “I should watch out for you tonight to be certain you have no concussion.”

There was a moment's pause as if she was searching for something clever to say but decided it was too easy, then she shrugged and held out her arms. “Very well, Dr. Gordon. Lead me to bed.”

That was not the kind of encouragement Lawrence wanted or needed. However, tonight’s excuse for putting off his marital duties (the specifics of which he was still hopelessly unsure) would have to do for now. Gently, he laid her down on the mattress in what was now their room with all the care and grace of a man who was trying very hard not to consider the implications of this. It was almost over, all he had to do was pull up the armchair to her side and it would be fine-

“Lawrence?”

“Yes?” he asked casually, his back to her as he adjusted the chair.

“Can you help me out of my dress?”

_ Oh dear lord. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you've noticed by now that every description Lawrence gives of Anna is basically "she's the worst I love her". That's basically how I show affection.
> 
> I know this update's short and late, but trust me, we're moving forward. You'll see it all come together.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *shows up a month later with Starbucks and about 300 words* hey

He awoke that morning slouched in the armchair, slivers of sunlight coming through a gap in the curtains to rest on his eyes. Directly in front of him Anna lay sprawled atop the bedsheets, head leaning against her bicep, in a pose not so different from an illustration of a faerie in a children's book.

In fact, the bride could have easily been counted among the fair folk- her small stature, her wide stone-grey eyes, the light drifting across her body in the thin white nightdress, her soft ruby-red lips, her shorn hair so inviting, so soft-

Before his mind caught up to him, Lawrence found himself sitting on the edge of the bed and running his fingers through her hair. When she moaned softly and her eyes began to flutter open, he resolved that now was as good a time as any to die immediately.

“G’morning” she mumbled in a voice that was far too adorable to be real.

“It’s morning,” Lawrence repeated dumbly.

“I know,” she continued to mumble, “that’s why I said so.”

The doctor brushed his fingers over her forehead, concerned. “I wasn’t supposed to let you fall asleep. That’s dangerous.”

“Well that sounds like bullshit.” Anna reached out for Lawrence, sleepily making grabby hands in his direction. “Come lie down.”

_ “That’s even more dangerous,” _ the doctor thought to himself.

“Why? We’re married, dunce.” He’d said that out loud?! No. Nope. There’s no recovering from that.

“You’ll fall asleep again!” Smooth, Lawrence. Nice save.

“Hmmm…. Don’t care.”

The doctor slowly, reluctantly stretched out to climb onto the bed. Physically it was not difficult, but emotionally, he may as well have been mounting Olympus to gaze upon the gods. Knees sinking into the plush mattress, hands bracing himself above her slender frame, it was beautiful enough to last forever and too intense to last all at once. Carefully, he lowered himself down to his elbows and pressed his forehead to hers, letting his eyes close at the contact.

“My Hummingbird,” he whispered softly. Her hand slid up his arm, coming to rest affectionately on his shoulder. Lawrence just allowed himself the contact, as if he could breathe in the moment to save forever. Besides, anything else he did would likely just cause problems. Slowly he let himself down to rest on his side, falling into actual sleep for the first time since his proposal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this is contrary to what you probably learned as a kid but if you suspect someone has a concussion please let them sleep. Sleep allows the brain tissue to heal faster, so as long as you watch the person to be sure they don't thrash their head/throw up without waking up, leave them alone.


End file.
